Under the Moonlight Kiss
by Thecastlefan101
Summary: After Castle and Beckett share their first kiss, Beckett stays at the ambulance after Castle's hand is bandaged.
1. Chapter 1

Under the moonlight kiss

Her blood was pumping from the kidnapping of her colleagues. She felt the weight of the world crush her insides knowing she played a part in getting them taken. She knew she would have to make it up to them later, it was only fair.

As she looked over her shoulder she saw that Castle was just as concerned as she was. She smiled. She couldn't explain why but she loved the concern. His fatherly instincts kicked in and she adored that side of him.

"Castle we got an address lets go." She secured her gun and walked out of the door first racing to her car.

"That guys gonna spot a SWAT team from a block away. I'm open to dumb ideas here," she said when they arrived at the location Lockwood held Ryan and Esposito. She was focused and determined to get her team members out alive and in one piece. That's why she really hasn't realized what she agree to when Castle mentioned his suggestion. She had barely even looked at him.

When she got out of the car laughing inside she was awaiting her vengeance on all the men, accomplices, that had a hand in the kidnapping of her boys. She wanted to make them pay. But most importantly she had to, needed to get her hands on Hal Lockwood.

"He's not buying it Castle," she said slightly turning to face him. And just in that moment, as quickly as she inhaled, Castle grabbed her and tugged her foreword closer to his face. One hand laid gently on the back of her neck and the other cupped around her waist.

He stared at her, gazing deeply into her eyes awaiting the next moment. He knew her was going to kiss her. He knew since she asked for a dumb idea.

She stood stunned, bewildered at the position they were in. And in this moment all worries left her. She was in the moment and in the this moment she wanted him to kiss her. And so he did.

It was sweet and slow and tender. Just enough to set fire to the passion within them. They needed more. She needed more. She kissed him again this time getting a handful of his hair temporarily forgetting the man approaching. In this small moment there was nothing but them, in their own small world. And as he looked into her eyes he could see what she really felt what she was trying to hide. But then she pulled away.

"That was amazing," he said absentmindedly. Earning a weird look from Beckett. "The way you knocked him out I mean..."

After getting her thoughts together and fulfilling her needs to save her team she joined Castle in the ambulance after he knocked Lockwood unconscious with his bare fist. Which she had to admit was pretty hot. Especially because he did it to save her.

"Thank you, for having my back in their."

"Always," he said. And she felt her heart flutter. He was grinning and she couldn't help but notice how cute he was. Even after battling death.

She found herself staring too long. Her emotions getting the better of her right now meant she had to back off. But then she remembered the way her lips tingled during and after the kiss. She knew she wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it but willed herself to say goodnight and get out of the ambulance.

But as badly as she wanted to leave she found herself waiting around the corner. She began biting her bottom lip in anticipation, just waiting for him to finally emerge from the ambulance.

Castle stood up to finally leave after a few moments. He was disappointed that something extraordinary happened between him and his beloved Kate Beckett and he has to pretend it didn't. Although he could understand why. They did only kiss to distract the guy wielding his gun around. But still, she could have at least acknowledged it.

As he stepped down from the ambulance and started walking he heard something just barely whisper "Castle."

He turned to find Kate walking towards him with a fire in her eyes he's never seen before. She wasn't stopping either, no intention of slowing down. He flung his hands around her as she forced a kiss upon his lips. Again releasing the fire inside but this time they let it burn, bright, and allowed the heat to warm their bodies.

She wasn't letting go and he didn't want her too. He wanted to hold her forever, feel her lips on his his till the end of time. He moaned before she pulled away to look into his eyes.

"I can't pretend anymore," she whispered.

"You don't have to. I'm here and I always will be."

She smiled at him and kissed him again and lived the idea if getting to kiss him everyday. She lived the idea of her partner, her friend, being the one she comes home to. And with that she laughed causing him to grin down at her.


	2. Chapter 2

Under the Moonlight Kiss

Chapter Two

For the first time in the past few days Kate Beckett found herself smiling. Her team was safe, Castle was safe, she was safe. And to top it off she was in Castle's arms.

... What? She couldn't believe at how fast their relationship had grew in the past few days, the past few hours at that.

They went from friends to partners to kissing to being a couple.

"It's getting late. We should get going. And people are starting to stare," he said jokingly.

"Yeah," she agreed and began walking. Castle entwined his fingers with her's, making the fine hairs on the back if her neck stand up. And in the winter the feeling was intensified. She smiled but tried to hide it by biting her bottom lip. She couldn't believe this was happening. After all this time, finally she gives into her emotions and it's the best feeling ever. Richard Castle is my man, she thought.

Then it hit her. Fast. Like a rock shattering through glass. Where were they going?

Almost as if he could read her thought Castle stopped walking and looked her dead in the eyes.

"Don't worry. I actually have to get home to Alexis. She misses me. You can drop me off at my place then head home."

Kate smiled but still unsure of what she was feeling.

She likes him, if course, but she's not really ready for commitment. As much as she would want him to be, she couldn't just drop everything in her life right now. She was on the verge of finding her mothers killer. Her life was too complicated right now for a serious relationship. And to make things worse she wasn't sure if going home alone or bringing Castle was the right thing to do. She knew she needed time to think but she also didn't want to let go of Castle. She wanted him to hold her through the rest of the night.

"Your thinking to much Kate," Castle spoke bringing her out of her racing thoughts.

They reached her car and that's when Beckett spoke.

"Castle there are things we need to discuss."

"I know trust me I do. But that an wait. You need to stop thinking so much tonight. Go home, have a bath, and curl up in the bed. We'll talk in the morning. But no more thinking, not tonight."

Beckett stood there on the drivers side of the car staring deep into Castle's big blue eyes after he spoke. She couldn't believe how much he cared about her. And she wondered how long its been that way. He always put her first and she felt bad because she couldn't give him what he wanted. She couldn't fully give herself to him. And he deserves someone that's willing to give 110%. Not just a fraction.

"Thank you," was all she managed to say.

After she dropped Castle off at his loft she was exhausted. And for once she was going to listen to what Castle said. No more thinking. And just have a bath.

She went into the bathroom, stripped out of her clothed and covered up with a grey silk robe hanging on the bathroom door.

As she was filling up the tub she went into the medicine cabinet to find her bubble bath. Bubbles helped her relax.

That's when she saw it. That damned shaving cream belonging to a Dr. Joshua Davidson. She absolutely forgot about him. She was such a terrible girlfriend. Willingly, and knowingly cheating on him.

What is she going to do? Josh is a nice guy and she really likes him. But Castle? She's been falling for him since day one. He's in her mind like all day all the time.

"What the hell I am going to do?" She asked aloud to herself. And from that moment she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep because she'd be thinking to much.

Thank you for all the good reviews. I'm still new so it makes me happy to know people like my writing. Please enjoy chapter two.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Please Don't be mad! I got something good in store! Please review and be honest. Tell what I need to work on to be better. Thank you so much for reading this story, it means a lot to me.**

* * *

Castle said no thinking anymore tonight. They would talk about everything that needed discussing in the morning. She could only hope that included Josh because she had completely forgotten about him.

However, Beckett couldn't stop thinking. What was she going to do? She couldn't breakup with him over the phone that was way too callous. And plus he deserved more than that. Josh was a good guy. Never has he disrespected her or annoyed her in anyway, excluding the fact that he travels a lot.

Captain Montgomery called her early the next morning telling her to take the day off. Esposito said he'd handle portion of her paperwork so she didn't have anything to do but think about Josh…and Castle.

_Oh, Castle._

She couldn't help but remember what it felt like to kiss him, to have him wrap his arms around her. She's never been held so securely in her life. She could only imagine what it would feel like to have his fingertips trace down her spine.

"Oh God," she moaned aloud. Then her face went red from embarrassment. Thank goodness, she was here alone.

As if he could somehow read her thoughts or hear her moan of ecstasy from him he called her. Beckett tried to calm down her breathing and get the smile out of her voice before answering his call. She had succeeded in not smiling for all of two seconds but as soon as he said, "How're you feeling babe?" her face had turned red again, and the smile she had she couldn't suppress.

"Um, I think I'm okay. Grateful to be alive. Oh and I never properly thanked you-"

"Don't even bother Kate."

"Okay," she said wanting to smack herself for sounding like a little girl with a crush.

She couldn't help all the flutters in her stomach anymore. She guessed that when she told Castle that she didn't want to pretend anymore one of her walls fell down. And it wasn't going back up. She wouldn't even considering letting it back up.

"I'm coming over. I think its best we talk about things face to face."

"Yes," she agreed a little over zealous. But Castle didn't seem to notice it.

"Great, see you in twenty."

Twenty. She had twenty minutes to shower, brush her teeth, and throw some decent clothes on. As she was walking to the bathroom, someone had knocked on her door.

"No." It couldn't be him, he said twenty minutes! Slowly but surely Kate walked over to her front door and peeked out of her peep hole to see who it was. And sure enough, it was Castle. "You said twenty minutes," she spoke through the door.

"Correction I said twenty. I didn't explain what type of twenty but if you must know I meant twenty seconds."

"I'm not dressed." she saw his face light up after she said that. "I mean I'm still in my pajamas. You didn't give me time to get ready."

"Exactly," he said. "Open the door and let me in."

She planned to do just that. She opened the door but tried to cover herself up, unsuccessfully of course when Castle forced her arms around his back and brought her in for a kiss. Sweet and soft, but she couldn't help but be embarrassed when she tasted the mint in his breath.

"Don't kiss me when I haven't brushed my teeth!" she tried to yell but ended up sounding whimpered.

Castle turned to face her doing that grin of his that made her heart flutter. She couldn't help but find herself resting in the warmth of his eyes as he stared at her, into her.

Without looking away from her eyes, Castle gently took one of her hands then roughly pulled her into his arms. He took both hands and ran them down her back slightly lifting her to him when his hands stopped on her waist. She bit her lip in anticipation as she continued to look intently into his eyes.

He kissed her initially with a soft touch, but just like last night, their kiss broke into a passion so intense that before either could realize what was happening, Castle's pants were undone and Kate's legs were wrapped around him on the couch.

"Castle," she shouted in ecstasy. "Stop you have to stop."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he repeated out of breath.

"It's okay."

"Please just give me a minute to gather myself together." Castle walked into the hallway and stayed out there for at least five minutes. Kate couldn't believe at how fast things were moving between them and she still hadn't told him about Josh. And the conclusion she'd come to in the minutes she had before he knocked on the door….

"I'm sorry," he said walking back into her apartment.

"Castle stop apologizing. Let's just forget it."

"I don't wanna forget."

He saw the _look _in her eyes. It's the same look she'd give him every time they'd previously had a moment of attraction. It meant it was already out of her head and forgotten.

"What is this?" he asked sternly. The anger already rising to the surface.

"We need to talk about a very important factor in this situation."

"Situation," he repeated under is breath. He looked up at her and knew what she meant immediately. "Josh."

"Yeah. I wasn't thinking about him last night. He completely left my mind until I got home. Castle I can't do this to him."

"You know when you told that you didn't want to pretend anymore I thought you also meant about being with guys you had no feelings for."

"I do have feelings for him. I- he's a really good person and I can't do this to him. He deserves better."

Castle gazed at her astounded at what she was saying. "What are you saying exactly?"

"That I- that we should hold this off for a while. Just until I see if anything can happen with Josh."

"And what if it does? Which most likely it will because you want it to! I cannot believe this. I cannot believe you!"

"I'm not doing this to hurt you Rick. I'm doing this to protect myself!"

He took several steps back away from her. It was getting hard to control his anger and the pain coming radiating through it.

"I don't know what to say to that Kate. But you should put those barriers back up. Keep me out. But I am telling you now that he'll never be me. He won't do to you what I can."

Those words will forever be burnt into her brain.

"Castle," she whispered. "Just give me about anther week with him. See if what I feel is real. Make sure it's not all in my head."

"What you feel for me or him?"

"Both."

Castle let out a pained chuckle and shook his head in disbelief. "Okay Beckett. Take all the time you need."

"Castle," she called out but he didn't turn around. He just walked out of her apartment without looking back. She hoped that he wasn't walking out forever.

"What the hell did I just do?"


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hopefully, you'll enjoy the outcome of this chapter. Please review it makes me want to write and update faster. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing with such detail. It really means a lot!**

* * *

Kate Beckett spent the rest of the day curled up in bed, still sore from the talk with Castle.

_More like a contention_, she thought.

She didn't tell Castle the real reason why she wanted to stay with Josh. It was because she was afraid. Afraid of finding out whom she'll be with him. Afraid that if she lets him in, if he'll break her heart. Also, she's afraid of letting go of anther good relationship for him. Last time it shattered her world.

Was this it? Are she and Castle done? Would he call? Would he show up at the precinct tomorrow? She has so many unanswered questioned that she began to get dizzy. She figured a hot bubble bath, a glass of wine, and a good book might calm her nerves.

It wasn't until her bath water turned cold, her wine bottle empty, and her book half way finished, that Kate noticed someone knocking on her door.

"I'm coming," she shouted stepping out of the tub and draining the water. She threw on her grey silk robe and put her wet hair in a high ponytail.

When she answered the door, she really wasn't expecting the person on the other side of the door. However, at the same time she both disappointment and relief.

"Josh hi! What are you doing here? I thought you were in Africa."

"I came back early. I figured my staff could handle the rest of the work that needed to be done."

"Oh that's great," she said not so enthusiastically.

"Yeah, can I come in?"

"Josh we're together. Of course you can come in. You don't have to ask."

_Castle doesn't. He never did after his first visit._

"Oh really that's great. How've you been Kate?"

"Oh you know the same."

_Falling in love with someone else_…

"Cool cool. So why don't you get dressed and I'll take you out for dinner."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head at the thought. "I don't really feel like going anywhere."

"What's wrong?" he asked walking towards her, resting his hands on her shoulders.

"Nothing I'm just tired." _heartbroken by the slam of the door when Castle didn't stop._

"How about a massage? I've been told I have very slick hands."

_No Josh you have small, icky hands that make me feel dirty, slutty, and weak. But Castle's hands…they were big. Soft with just a touch of roughness. Nothing too major. His make me feel alive, like I could fly, and they make me feel like I am a woman. Not a little girl._

"No no that's fine. I kinda just want to finish reading my book."

I don't want your dirty hands to touch me.

"Why do I get the feeling you don't want me here?"

Cause I don't. Stop it Kate you're supposed to be trying to make this work!

"No no I do. I had a long day yesterday and I'm still feeling the effects of it today. Its not you. Why don't you change into something comfortable and join me in my room? I'll read to you."

"Okay," he agreed smiling. He bent down and kissed her lightly on the lips. And she felt nothing. It was as if her lips were numb to anyone but Castle.

After Josh changed in something, more comfortable he joined Kate on top of her bed where she was waiting.

She purposely didn't get under the covers because she didn't want him to get any ideas.

"What are you reading?" he asked getting comfortable on the bed.

"It's called At Dusk We Die. I'm almost finished but that's okay, you'll catch on."

As Kate was reading aloud, she found herself getting lost in Castle's words. He was the best writer ever. She didn't want to sound cliché but every time she tried to describe his writing that's what came to mind. They were strictly allocated to him.

"Wow," Josh exclaimed when Beckett finished reading. "Who wrote that?"

"Castle did."

"Oh," he said, disappointment crawling onto his face. "It was okay but I've read better."

Beckett didn't respond because she knew he was lying. You cannot get any better than Castle.

"Well I'm tired. What do you say we call it a night?" Kate asked putting the book away and turning off the lamp on her side of the bed.

"You didn't eat dinner Kate. Don't go to bed hungry."

"I'm fine. I actually had a lot for breakfast. I'm not even hungry," she said thinking about Castle. He's what she had for breakfast.

"Okay goodnight babe."

* * *

Last night Kate found herself playing with Josh's hair. She couldn't help but remember having her fingers in Castle's hair when she had kissed him. She found herself getting addicted with the sensation that ran through her body, putting every muscle and every nerve on high alert.

Stop it Kate. Thinking about Castle won't help your relationship with Josh.

Josh was awakened by the slam of a door around seven am. He looked to his left and found that side of the bed perfectly made and cold, like no one had even slept there. He found a note sitting on Beckett's pillow.

_Josh,_

_Had to go into work early today. Lock up when you leave._

_Kate_

* * *

Kate hadn't caught anther case yet, although her instincts told her that she would be soon. She sat down at her desk, not really doing anything, just waiting for the next victim to show up.

She pulled her long sleeves down to the tip of her hands and sighed. The boys wouldn't be coming in for anther twenty minutes. Therefore, she didn't have much to do until then.

After fighting, the urge since she stepped off the elevator Beckett found herself staring intently at Castle's chair.

_Castle._ The man that always managed to make her laugh, or make her think on her heels. The one she has been finding herself falling more and more for since the beginning. How is it now that she finds herself in this situation? She wants Castle. She knows she wants Castle so what's keeping her from taking the leap? The big dive in?

After being lost in her thoughts for so long, Beckett didn't notice Ryan and Esposito had already arrived.

"Hey girl. Not surprised you're already here," said Epsoito. It wasn't until she looked up at him that he realized something was wrong.

"Hey. Castle didn't come in with you?" Ryan asked. "Figured he'd be glued to your side ever since Lockwood."

"Uh no no. I haven't really spoken to him since the other day."

"What's wrong?" Esposito mouthed to Beckett. She just shook her head no.

"Well now's your chance," Ryan continued as he nodded towards the elevator.

Castle walked off the elevator and into the bullpen with a coffee in one hand, his cell phone in the other. He was smiling down at his phone and Beckett thought it was good to see him smiling; it put her at ease a little. That was until she noticed that it was _that _smile. The smile he had whenever he teased her, when he made her smile, when he made a sex joke, whenever he caused a positive reaction from her. It was that smile she loved. The one that made her want him. In seeing that smile there was no doubt in her mind that Castle was talking to a woman. She died a little inside.

"Hey Castle," Ryan greeted him, totally oblivious to the war going on inside Beckett's mind. But Esposito saw it in her eyes.

He walked over to her while Castle and Ryan talked.

"Did something happen between you and Castle? You look like you're in a lot of pain."

"Um, uh…don't worry about it Espo. I'm fine."

Castle walked over to Beckett and Esposito,, greeted Esposito quickly, and then turned to Beckett.

"Hey," he said. "Can we talk for a minute?" Beckett was taken aback for a moment, not really expecting Castle to even speak to her.

"Uh, yeah yeah."

He led them into the break room and shut al the doors so they wouldn't be overhead. Beckett couldn't help the relief and happiness that suddenly came over her. That was until Castle started speaking.

"Uh I had a chance to assess everything you were telling me the other day. And your right." Beckett wasn't sure she liked where this conversation was headed but still listened intently. "Josh is too good of a guy to just let go."

"What?" Beckett said astounded.

"Whatever happened between us was a mistake I mean I never thought of you in that way. That kiss was just adrenaline. We can forget about that crazy moment."

"All of them?" she asked, her lip quivering.

Castle wasn't sure whether she meant forgetting the moments or the kisses but decided he didn't care. "Yeah. That way I'm not a burden to your relationship."

Beckett started rapidly shaking her head no. "You're not a burden to me Castle."

"It's okay. No need to spare my feelings _now_."

"Castle," she whispered.

"You won't even have to ever see me again. I'm leaving today. I came to tell Captain Montgomery."

"Castle no," she said still not believing what was happening right before her.

"Goodbye Kate."

Castle left her standing there in the middle of the break room. She couldn't believe it but she felt herself almost begin to cry. Her heart was just broken by the only man she'd ever allow it to be broken by.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Please Review! Do you love it? Hate it? Suggestions? How can I improve? Please reviews are my fuel to keep going!**

* * *

_"Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of Love lasts a lifetime."_

_-Bette Davis_

* * *

Beckett was trying to compose herself in the break room but couldn't bring herself to stop the tears flooding in the rims of her eyes.

"No," she said aloud. She was not going to cry. And in that instant, the tears diminished and she walked out into the bullpen.

"Beckett what happened?" pleaded Esposito.

"Don't worry about me Javi I'm okay. Castle, he… he's done shadowing me. That's why he's here. But it's okay. I'm sure he'll keep in contact with you guys."

"And what about you? He's here for you not us."

"Look I gotta go. I'll talk to you later," she said walking away from him. She couldn't stand to be there any longer. The pain was working its way up through her stomach, to her throat, and she can feel it about to explode. And she's struggling to keep herself composed. The thought of never seeing Castle again was weighing on her. She had to fix this. She couldn't not see him. That's worse than not being with him.

* * *

Becket had to go home she couldn't be around people. She needed to be alone. She needed time to think.

"Damn it Castle," she yelled. How did he manage to make her this crazy? She felt like she was losing her mind, slowly but surely. She couldn't see straight and her vision was going blurry. She was alone. She didn't want to go through this alone.

Josh? Once again, he was not here for her. Then suddenly someone knocked on her door. She could pray that it was Castle and he would forgive her and then she would kiss him like she's never kissed any man before. With all her love…

As she opened the door, tears desperately trying to fall, she felt her heart sink to her stomach. Finally someone who would help her someone who would understand. Someone to be there for her when the only man she wants is too hurt to even let her talk to him.

"Dad," she whispered rushing into his arms.

"I knew something was wrong."

"How?"

"A father knows when something is wrong with his daughter."

After Beckett had calmed down and she was able to explain everything that had happened between her and Castle he gave her some of the best advice he could.

"Two years into working with your mother something like this happened to us. Of course, I wanted to be with her but she just acted as if nothing ever happened between us. It hurt but I stayed around until she was ready. You didn't do that with Rick. At least he knows that you do feel something for him. And since he's so upset, although he claims to not care anymore, he cares for you. All it's going to take is some reminding him what you guys have."

"How do I do that?" she asked still trembling.

"Tell him the truth. Everything. Give him your heart and if it doesn't work out at least you'll know before something happened between the two of you. You love him don't you?"

She looked up at her father and shook her head yes. "Yes, more and more everyday."

"Then remember this, 'Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime.' Don't go the rest of your life not taking the risk. I know you're scared but you have to know that it's not a weakness. Use it as courage to tell him."

"Thank you daddy," she said hugging her father.

"I'm always here Katie."

* * *

After talking to her father, Beckett felt better. She just had to tell Castle how she felt. And that she was sorry. But she knew she was going to have a hard time saying those words. She couldn't that she hurt Castle, she was just being honest. But now after spending time with Josh seeing if he was worth fighting for, she realized how stupid it was. Josh was nothing compared to Castle. They were too much alike. He didn't drive her crazy (aside from treating her like a child) he wasn't there for her when she needed him. He didn't make her heart flutter simply be touching her, let alone looking at her. She couldn't get lost in his eyes; he couldn't tease her, or make her want him. He wasn't Castle.

Later that night Beckett called Lanie over because she needed female advice on how to make the first move with Castle. She had just brought out a bottle of wine when she knocked on the door.

"Hey Lanie," Beckett greeted when she opened the door.

"Hey girl," she said giving Beckett a hug. "Esposito told me something was going on between you and Castle. I figured you would call me soon."

"Yeah."

"Alright so spill."

While Beckett was retelling the story to Lanie, she tried her best not to interrupt her, knowing how difficult it is for Beckett to open up about hr personal life. However, Lanie couldn't help the gasp she had when Beckett told her that she said she wanted to make things work with Josh.

"What the hell?"

"I know I know. Then he left and I didn't see him again until earlier today. He said I wouldn't have to worry about him being a burden to me anymore. Then he told Captain Montgomery that he wouldn't be shadowing me anymore. And now I don't know what to do. I know it's him. It's him that I want."

After a minute passed and Lanie processed everything Beckett had just explained, she looked her dead in the eyes. "First you have to do something about the man in the scrubs."

"Yes I know. I know what I'm doing about him. I just don't know how to get Castle to forgive me."

"Maybe you shouldn't have done what you did in the first place."

"Lanie!"

"What?" she shouted just as loud. "What you did was stupid. I hate you for it. But at least now you know what you want. Just tell him that."

There was a knock at the door and Becket stiffened. She knew who it was.

"That's Josh. I'm gonna break up with him."

"Good. Be gentle. And call me let me know what happens with Castle."

"Of course," she said seeing Lanie out and letting Josh in.

"I can come in?" he asked unsure.

Here we go again…

"Yes Josh."

He sensed something was wrong and turned and looked Beckett directly in her eyes. "Is something wrong?"

He took her face between his hands, gently caressing her cheeks.

"We need to talk," she said moving his hands.

Josh sat down on the couch and waited for her to follow. She sat on the opposite end of the couch, putting some space between them because she didn't want him thinking this was a good talk.

"Being with you Josh has been great. I honestly can lie and say that I didn't enjoy myself. You're such a sweet guy and I can see how much you want this to work in your eyes. But I don't think it will. I don't know if you've noticed but Castle means the world to me. I'm in love with him. I have been for a while actually." she looked up at him and could see the anger in his eyes but also could see hurt. Pain.

"I really liked you," she continued. "But it's not enough Josh. I can only hope you understand."

After a few moments Josh finally spoke. "I get it Kate. I'm happy that you found the one you want. Not many of us can say the same." he stood up from the couch and made his way to the door. "Goodbye Kate," he whispered as he left.

Now, how will she get Castle to forgive her? She can't simply just tell him how she feels because that won't be enough.

"Tomorrow," she said to herself. "Tell him tomorrow."

Although she wished, she could be excited but she's more nervous than anything. What if he doesn't forgive her? What if he's moved on? What if he really is gone for good? Anther night, she knew, she wasn't getting any sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Not that she'd ever admit to it but Kate found herself going to sleep last night. And for the first time in a few years, she dreamt. She dreamt that she was happy. Fully, purely, undeniably happy. She was with Castle. They were together a year and he just asked her to move in with him. What caused her to wake up was how hard she was laughing when she forced Castle back onto the bed and just about screamed YES!

She woke up smiling, but the reality hit her and she remembered how much Castle hates her right now. She has to change that. This isn't how it's supposed to end for them.

Unfortunately she has to go into work early today because the boys caught anther body. It would be a great way to get her mind off of things. That is, until she remembers that she can't call him. He won't be there with coffee or making clever quips about the case. He's gone and suddenly her happiness fades and she feels empty. No more Castle.

After visiting the body of, you could say, a very unlucky lottery winner, Jay Hixton, Beckett headed back to the precinct. She'd gotten her coffee from the break room and was writing facts learned about the case on the murder board. She heard a faint whistle come from the back hallway through the sea of ringing desk phones. She turned around to find Esposito waving at her.

"What is it Espo?" she when she approached him.

"Come on," he said grabbing her wrist and dragging her into a quiet corner. "Look I know its none of my business but I saw Castle last night."

This gained her full attention. She wasn't expecting this. "So? What's the significance?" she asked knowing what was coming.

"He was with someone. Gina I believe."

"They-no, they... broke up," she said stuttering.

"They were headed into this," he cleared his throat and looked away from her. "Cheap looking motel."

In that moment, Kate felt her heart break. No, it shattered into tiny pieces that were scattering throughout her body. Tiny shards scraping insider her, ripping her to shreds. All she wanted, her happy fantasies are all gone in a flash. But can she really be upset? Did she think he would wait around for her? Did she really believe that he wouldn't move on after she did what she did?

She can't think, she can't breathe, and she can't even function right now. All she knows is that she's angry and she doesn't care if she doesn't have the right to be.

"I'm sorry," Esposito spoke gently.

"Don't worry. I'll be fine." she tried to sound composed but she cold hear her voice cracking and she could feel the tears welling up in her throat. No. she will not cry. Not here. Not now. "Come on, we have a case solve."

* * *

Castle was sitting in his office at his desk trying to fiugure out how to end the Nikki Heat series. He didn't want to do what he did with Derrick Storm, Nikki deserved more than that. She was his best character yet and he wasn't going to be hated by anymore of his fans.

Why can't I concentrate? Castle thought to himself. Then his mind started to drift to Kate and all the things that went wrong with them. He couldn't help the conversation he started having with himself.

_You know why._

That's not it.

_Yes, it is and you know it. You cannot concentrate because you haven't spoken with Beckett._

She doesn't even want to talk to me.

_How do you know?_

Because she doesn't have feelings for me, so I would just be a burden to her anyway. Every time she sees me, she'll be reminded.

_She has feelings for you._

How do you know?

_She kissed you back._

So?

_She said she didn't want to pretend anymore._

…

_Think of the real reason why she may have ran away from a future with you._

I don't know.

_THINK!_

I don't know… she ran because…because she was scared.

_Keep going._

She's scared of me of taking it to the next level of…getting hurt.

_You're getting there._

Scared of getting hurt again…so she stayed with Josh because she knows she doesn't care about him so he couldn't hurt her.

_Exactly._

What do I do?

_Fix it._

No.

_Why!_

Cause she did this! She has to fix it.

Before Castle could finish arguing with himself, he heard Martha and Alexis walked into the loft laughing extra loud about something. He checked the time on his watch and wondered why Alexis was home so early. She did have school today.

"Hey," he said approaching the kitchen and his two redheads.

"Hey dad. What are you doing home?"

"I was just about to ask you that," he said kissing his daughter on her forehead. "Why aren't you in school?"

"Its professional development day."

"Why aren't you with Beckett?" Martha asked pouring a glass a wine.

"Uh, it's a long story."

Martha and Alexis quickly picked up on Castle's avoidance of the subject and looked at him with questioning eyes. He wasn't going to succumb to them. There's only one set of eyes that could make him do that. And he was certain he would never see them again.

"Spill," Alexis demanded when Castle stood his ground.

He took a deep breath before drudging up everything he's been trying disparately to forget. "Beckett and I kissed." this seemed to gain screeches from both Martha and Alexis. "Then she told me that she didn't want to pretend anymore. She wanted to be with me. Sadly the next day she took it back."

"What why would she do something like that?" Martha exclaimed.

"I don't know. I've been trying to figure it out for the longest time. But uh, yesterday I told I was done. I can't work with her and try to act like I'm not…in love with her."

"Oh Richard."

"Dad you need to go get her back. Don't give up. I know what she did was wrong but you can't give up. Obviously, she has feelings for you. Maybe she just doesn't know how to deal with them."

"What do you mean deal with them?"

"Remember the old guy you use to be? Yeah she may be afraid that you'll break her heart."

Castle and Martha traded looks. "She may have a point."

"Just go talk to her. Work it out. Show her that you're willing to fight for her."

Castle came over and hugged his daughter from behind. "I'm so happy I got custody of you."

"Yeah me too. You're easier to raise than mom."

Castle through on his coat grabbed his keys and left to go find Beckett at the precinct. He couldn't help but smile at the thought of Beckett forgiving him and wanting to be with now. They were going to work this out.

Outside the precinct Castle's phone began to ring. It was Captain Montgomery.

"Hello Sir'."

"Where the hell are you Castle? I told you, you cannot leave like this. Not while Beckett is this vulnerable."

"I know Sir'. I'm on my way in now."

"Good."

* * *

Castle walked into the bullpen, two coffee's in his hands, with a smug look on his face. He saw the way she looked at him when he stepped off the elevator. She turned and tried to act like she didn't see but he saw it. The longing in her eyes. She's going to forgive him.

"Afternoon detective," he tried not to say to happily.

"What are you doing here?" she asked her voice stern.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"For what? You've said and DONE everything you need to. There is nothing more to talk about."

He could see how serious she was. And he could see pain. He hoped to God that he's not the cause. "Kate can we please just talk privately?"

The sudden mention of her first name caused shivers to go down her spine. She didn't like it, not like this. "No Castle! Just leave. Go."

"Kate," he spoke softly, his eyes pleading.

She was not affected. "Castle get out right now." she demanded calmly. But the look in her eyes displayed anger and it was a slap in the face. It was as loud as if she were to really have screamed it at him. And now he feels hopeless.

* * *

**A/N: Please keep reviewing. Let me know any suggestions you would want. I'm so open to them. Thank you for your continued support.**


	7. Chapter 7

Kate Beckett was sitting in her apartment biting her lip, waiting for Lanie. She hadn't told her about anything that was going on with Castle. She could only imagine what Lanie's reaction would be.

Kate was just sitting wine glasses on the kitchen counter when Lanie knocked on the door. "Hey," Beckett tried to say casually but Lanie wasn't having any of it.

"Uh-uh. Tell me what's up with you and Castle. Why wasn't he at the crime scene today?"

"It's a long story."

"Then it's a good thing you've got a couch and some wine cause I am not leaving until I get the full story."

Beckett looked at her friend and couldn't hold the tears back. Slowly one by one they silently slid down her cheeks. "Lanie. Oh Lanie it's all my fault." she put her hand over her face to cover the new set of tears that began to flow.

"Tell me what happened," she begged resting her hand on Beckett's leg.

Kate took a deep breath. It was going to hurt, poking at the wounds but she knew getting this off her chest would make her feel better. "It started the night Ryan and Esposito were kidnapped. Castle and I uh, had to get past the guard. But we didn't want him to get the chance to let anyone know we were coming. So he suggested we act like a drunken couple."

"That sounds like Castle," Lanie interjected.

"Yeah. We were walking towards him laughing and he had his arm around me. I could tell the guard thought we were faking. I told Castle so he grabbed me so I was facing him. He stopped me from grabbing my gun and all I could think was how much I wanted him to kiss me. I was nervous and scared but I knew he was."

"Did he?"

"Yeah he did. And it was amazing." She smiled at the memory. "All I could remember doing was kissing him back. I didn't want it to end. In that moment I was me, I was free."

"So what happened?"

"I told him I didn't want to pretend anymore. After we saved Ryan and Esposito. And then I went home and remembered Josh."

"Oh Kate tell me you didn't."

"I did. I chose Josh."

"Why! You were finally gonna be happy."

"I couldn't decide if what I was feeling was real or if I was just caught up in the moment."

"You had feelings for him long before that night."

"Not just feelings. I think I'm in love with him."

"You are. I can see it. So what else happened?"

Kate explained what Castle told her in the break room and how Esposito saw him and Gina go into a motel. And when she explained that Castle wanted to talk to her she kicked him out. Lanie went absolutely mad.

"Why the hell would you do that?! He was coming to sort everything out! He even had coffee."

"I know I messed up. Bad. And I don't know what to do."

"You need to fix. _You_ screwed this up."

"How?"

"I don't know. That's for _you_ to figure out."

"Lanie."

"No don't Lanie me. This is your fault. How long do you expect him to wait before he gives? Maybe you still have time but it could be too late."

"I have to fix this."

"Damn straight," Lanie agreed.

* * *

After Beckett finished interrogating Oz she headed home, showered, and changed into something more casual. She was going to go talk to Castle. After debating with herself, she decided she would nip it in the butt and just do it.

Standing in front of his door, she couldn't bring herself to knock. She just stood there, lost in thought. What if he didn't want to see her? What if he was with someone? What if he didn't have feelings for her anymore? What if he never forgave her?

She was so lost in thought that she didn't even here the elevator ding. She turned to see a very angry Martha and Alexis staring at her as if they hated her.

"Detective Beckett what are you doing here?" Alexis asked defensively.

"I was looking for Castle. I wanted to talk to him."

"He doesn't want to speak to you," Alexis said before Martha could speak.

"Please let me talk to him. I can understand your anger with me. So please let me fix it. Let me speak to him."

Beckett looked at them silently pleading for their approval. She had to fix this. She needed Castle back. She can't seem to function without him. She can't sleep she can't seem to hold down any food, and if she doesn't see him soon her heart might just explode. "You hurt him real bad. Did you know that?" Martha asked.

"Yes. And I want nothing more than to make this right."

Alexis and Martha traded looks and then Alexis nodded slightly to her grandmother. "He's not here darling. He's at the Hampton's."

"Do you mind if I go down there?"

"No go ahead."

"Thank you. Thank you so much," Beckett said hugging them both. She had a chance now.

They walked past Beckett to go inside the loft when Alexis turned to say something. "He loves you, you know. So please be gentle with him."

"Of course."

* * *

Kate went home after leaving Castle's loft. She was going to drive up to the Hampton's first thing in the morning. She tried to get a good night sleep but her thoughts were racing too violently. She figured since so much was on her mind she would do what her favorite author told her to do whenever she couldn't sleep. Write it out.

The following morning Beckett called Esposito while he was at work to ask him to cover for her at work. "You going to work things out with Castle today?"

"How'd you know about that?"

"Uh."

"No lemmie guess. Lanie."

"Yeah. I asked her how her day was and she just kinda went on a rant. Sorry."

"It's okay."

She spent the morning getting ready for a long drive to the Hampton's. She showered and put on, nothing extravagant, but something that complemented her. She folded the paper she was writing her thoughts on and stuffed it in her pocket. She might want to continue writing it.

* * *

She's here.

The sight is beautiful. When she pulled up it literally took her breath away. The smell of ocean filled her nostrils and she wouldn't mind smelling that all the time. A breeze started to pick up and blew her hair all about messing it up how she had it. She didn't pay much attention to it. I wasn't until the clouds started moving in covering the sun and the sudden bolt of lightening that she came out of her trance.

She walked up onto the front porch and knocked on the door. She couldn't help but giggle at the echo she heard through the door.

When no one answered, she walked around to the back of the house…mansion she should say. There was no sign of anyone ever living there. Beckett started to get worried and it didn't help that rain drops slowly started to fall.

Back in the front of his house, Beckett noticed a small patch just barely visible. Her instincts told her to get her gun but she shrugged the feeling aside. If he was here, she didn't want to scare him.

The path led her a mile down the beach into an abandoned woods. Now she wished she brought her gun. The trail went deeper into the woods until she came to the top of a hill and looked down at a little cottage about the size of a house. She saw Castle's car parked in front of it and wondered how he got it down there.

The rain was feeling much more now. She was damp but not soaking wet. When she saw Castle, walking towards the house with logs of firewood her heart began thumping loudly in her ears. Her breathing sped up and she was smacked in the face with just how much she loves him. She closed her eyes and prayed that he would forgive her.

He walked around to the back of the house and she ran to catch up with him. "Castle," she barely even heard herself say. But he stopped and dropped the wood on the ground in front of him. He knew that voice. "Castle," she repeated.

He finally just started walking to the house to go in through the back door.

"Castle! Please talk to me."

"Why!" he suddenly exploded. "Why should I talk to you after all the shit you did to me? You sure as hell wouldn't talk to me."

"'Cause I'm sorry."

_"Oh you're sorry. Is that supposed to make this better? You think you can apologize and everything would be okay! Everything would go back to normal!"_

Castle's face was red with anger, his eyes showing nothing but pain. The rain was falling harder now. Crashing onto the ground with a loud PLOP! Beckett was getting soaked. Castle was safe under the roof of his small back patio platform.

Castle couldn't help but think how beautiful she looked in her soaking wet clothes and her green eyes shining while piercing through him.

"Castle I am sorry. For everything. I know that I messed up and what I did to you was wrong but you have to forgive me."

"Why? Why should I even consider it?"

"Because now I know my feelings for you are real. I can see in your eyes that you don't want to hurt me. I know it took me a while to realize it but I'm ready now. I'm ready to dive into it with you."

What she said must've gotten to him some because she saw a little bit of anger diminish in his eyes. "Why wouldn't you talk to me at the precinct?"

She bit her lip and looked away from him. "Esposito said he saw you going into an SRO with Gina. It hurt me to know you moved on so quickly."

"Gina and I aren't together. We went into the hotel to avoid the press. They were following us."

She shook her head her head but still didn't look up for a few minutes. The thunder started getting louder and the rain was falling harder. "Castle I'm sorry. I want you. I know that now. And you would make me the happiest person alive if you just forgive me. You'll always, always hold a piece of my heart."

"You know ever since you first told me about your moms murder I wanted nothing more than to be with you. Comfort you. Be the one you came running to whenever you were about to break down. And when you told me you didn't want to pretend anymore I swear I just wanted to tell you how much I loved you. When you said that I let you into my heart and then you...you took it back." Castle couldn't even look at her anymore. It hurt to much.

"Castle I'm sorry. I was scared and I know that doesn't justify what I did but at least let me make it up to you."

she could still see the pain in his eyes. But it was magnified now. Was she making it worse? That's when she noticed the irony in her words.

"I don't know if I can forgive you yet. I just need some time," he said picking up the firewood and walking back into the cottage.

Beckett stood there for a moment digesting what had just happened. He needed time. She could do that. She was just happy that he was at least going to think about it. When she turned to leave she didn't notice the paper fall out of her back pocket.

Castle watched her leave and noticed the paper fall from her pocket. He was going to leave it there but then thought she couldn't leave in case it was something important. He ran out to get it and brought it inside soit wouldn't get to wet. Curiously he unfolded the paper and realized it was a letter to him. A love note. As he read the letter, he couldn't help the tears that began welling up in his eyes. It took his breath away. Is this really how she felt this whole time?

Castle ran out of his cottage and followed her up the beach. She was already back in front of his mini mansion when he caught up with her, letter in hand. The rain was still pouring madly without any signs of letting up. When he was about 13 feet away from her he shouted.

"Do you really mean it?"

she turned around to face him. Shocked to see him panting after running after her. He scared her at first but she was happy so see him although she wasn't sure what he was referring to. He must've caught on to her confusion because he held the paper up. Absentmindedly she reached in her back pocket, the letter was gone.

"Do you mean it?" He repeated more commanding.

she took a deep breath and shook her head. "Every word."

Castle put his head down and ran his fingers through his hair before looking back up at her. She could see desire in his eyes now. No more anger. That blue twinkle shining brightly. It melted her heart.

"Then come here."

Then all at once, Castle sped walked over to her in long strides, getting wet from the rain, and kissed her. It was a deep, sloppy, wet kiss but neither of them cared. They had each other that's all that mattered.

Castle grabbed her by her thighs and picked her up and she tightened her legs around his waist letting out a soft moan. He didn't have his keys with him so Beckett kicked the door and in. "God that's so so sexy," he said before diving right back in.

He walked her into his house through her up against walls and tables and counters and any other pieces of furniture you could think of.

"Oh God," she shrieked when Castle found that one sensitive spot on the back of her neck. His hands were everywhere on her. Warming her inside and out.

Castle couldn't hold back. He wanted her. He wanted her _now_. He kissed her passionately, deeply, and urgently as he slid her soaking wet pants down off her thighs. He kissed he licked her down from her neck to her inner thighs while his fingers slowly glided up and down her spine. Causing a mixture of a moan and a shriek to escape her mouth. Castle couldn't help the slight grin that came to his lips.

Beckett pushed Castle off her so she could catch her breath. He felt too good to do it here. "Bedroom," she said.

* * *

In the warmth of his bedroom, Castle laid in bed with Beckett in his arms while gently playing in her hair.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered to her sleeping body. "I'm gonna go put out clothes in the dryer. You got me real wet," he laughed at his own joke. "I'll be back."

"Ha-ba th sell," she mumbled. And Castle thought she couldn't get any cuter.

As Castle was putting their clothes in the dryer he he started imagining what the future held for him and Kate. They would have problems up ahead but he looked foreword to them because he knew they would overcome them, grow stronger, and live on together. Rick Castle knew that he had nailed the one. And he wasn't letting her go.

* * *

When Castle walked back into his bedroom, she was sitting on the bed staring at the fire burning brightly from the fire place. She was in his robe, waiting for him. She looked at peace, and he was happy to put that look in her eyes.

"That's us," she said pointing to the fire. "Burning bright."

He needed to tell her. it was killing him holding it on the tip of his tongue. He walked over to her and kissed her forcing her to lie on the bed. "I love you too Kate. I love you too. Let's give you that Castle baby you long for."

she covered her face in embarrassment but Castle could still see her smiling.

Castle and Beckett made love four times that night. Never getting enough of love they have for one anther.

* * *

**A/N: I Changed the last scene of this chapter hopefully making it more characteristic. Let me know what you think. Also, thank you for the honest reviews. I do take them into consideration. This is the last chapter but if you want anther one that says what Kate wrote on the paper just let me know in a review.**

**The letter will be up soon.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Please keep in mind that she wrote this letter so she could sleep. So it doesn't go in any particular order. The emotions she felt writing this is to show how he physically affects her.**

* * *

Rick,

What should I say? I'm sorry for doing what I did to you. I can't even express to you in words how sorry I am. Just know that I'll be suffering from this aching pain in my chest for the rest of my life even if you do forgive me.

God Castle it's crazy what you do to me. I always knew that you'd drive me insane. Ever since I read your first book. I was so moved by your words. It was like you were with me, wrapping your arms around me and letting me know I was going to be okay. You saved me from drowning within myself. My mother just left me but I wasn't alone. I had you.

I knew I was gonna fall for you. And how you made me feel through your books could only be magnified if we were to be together. And it terrifies me. Look now I'm crying.

You scare me Castle because I know what we have is real. I've never felt like this before so I ran. I was afraid of getting hurt and falling more in love with you. It was wrong to use Josh and I'm sorry. It took a long time but now I know I'm ready. Am I still scared? Hell yeah but I know your there for me, always.

I hate the way you broke through my walls and defenses. You did it slowly so I wouldn't notice that I was allowing myself to open up to you. And I did. I've opened my heart to you in a split second. Anther reason why I ran.

I love it when you touch me. It's like getting shocked by lightening on that one spot and it flutters throughout my whole body. And your eyes... They're like a safe haven. I look into those beautiful deep blue vast oceans and the world is right. I'm right. I'm safe.

Now I'm laughing because I remembered what Maddie said and I agree now. I want Castle babies. More so I want you. I want you and only you forever because right now I honestly believe we are meant to be. Unfortunately I can't tell you anything I've written because I still have trouble expressing my feelings.

Castle you can't not forgive me. This isn't supposed to be how it ends. Castle I love you! I know that now more than ever. I've never said those words and meant them until now.

The other night when you told me "Always" my defenses broke down and I fell. Right there. All I wanted to do was kiss you senseless. That overwhelming feeling scared the shit out of me. And then I fucked it up. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Richard Castle. Give me the chance to prove to you that I am in this 100%. No turning back.

We'll have our ups and downs but I'll hold on the whole time. I promise Castle. I want you to keep pulling my pigtails. I want Always with you. I want you to drive me crazy until I literally crack. I want us to solve my moms case together. I want US!

So forgive me. Because I'll never love anther like I love you.

And I have a gun. So choose me willingly.

Always,

Kate

* * *

** Let me know what you think. You want me to add or take anything away. Please let me know. I'm starting to think I'm not so good at this.**


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